This is a series of EP articles based on some extracts from the book “The Body Never Lies” by Alice Miller, a world renowned psychologist.
Introduction - Morality and the Body
- “Frequently, physical illnesses are the body’s response to permanent disregard of its vital functions. One of our most vital function is an ability to listen to the true story of our own lives. Accordingly, the central issue to this book is the conflict between the things we feel – the things our bodies register, and the things we ought to feel so as to comply with the moral norms and standards we have internalized at a very early age.”
The author illustrated many famous people, like poets, writers, politicians, aggressors .. whose lives ended in miseries like serious illness or mental breakdown, suicide, having the above described problems, not able to get in tune to the actual feelings and emotions during negative experiences of their early years.
Hence when a child is frequently scolded with angry words from a highly stressed mother, he or she feels hurts, unloved, abandoned, yet under societal subtle pressure, morality, religious doctrines, the child has to ‘feel’ otherwise and that the child should honor and respect elders or parents, that it is ‘not alright’ to feel the actual feelings of hurt, unloved, abandonment, but to ‘forgive’ the ‘attacker’.
There are many house wives suffer in silence to the constant mental and physical bombardment of mother in law, or abusive husband, under the same roof, in the name of ‘tolerance and respect to the elders or spouse’.
They all live in constant psychological conflicts : deep down the real feelings and emotions, yet prevented from expressing in the world of morality, societal standards, rules and regulations.
Over time, we see the consequences in illness, performance not at the peak, depression, suicidal, .. with some cases becoming aggressors or having violent behaviors, at work or at home.
Without the understanding of Energy Psychology or the like, corporate management continues to use conventional intervention like training and consultancy to improve staff performance and standards, without any due consideration of people underlying in-balance in feelings and thoughts.
That also explains why, in spite of sincere intention to help to improve staff performance and business results, little progress is made. And companies continue to foot the ever rising medical bills on stress, sickness for the staff.
EP coaching aims to identify the source of the un-resolved feelings and emotions, which are energies, to be transformed to positive energies.
Andrew – EP Coach
(Part 2) This is a series of EP articles based on some extracts from the book “The Body Never Lies” by Alice Miller, a world renowned psychologist.
Introduction - Morality and the Body
- “Experience has taught me that my own body is the source of all the vital information that has enabled me to achieve greater autonomy and self-confidence. Only when I allowed myself to feel the emotions pent up for so long inside me did I start extricating myself from my own past. Genuine feelings are never the product of conscious effort. They are quite simply there, and they are there for a very good reason, even if that reason is not always apparent. I cannot force myself to love or honor my parents if my body rebels against such an endeavor for reasons that is well-known to it. But if I still attempt to obey the Fourth Commandment (Honor thy father and they mother), then the upshot will be the kind of stress that is invariably involved when I demand the impossible of myself. “
- “This kind of stress has accompanied me almost all my life. Anxious to stay in line with the system of moral values I had accepted, I did my best to imagine good feelings I did not possess while ignoring the bad feelings I did have.
- My aim was to be loved as a daughter. But the effort was all in vain. In the end I had to realize that I cannot force love to come if it is not there in the first place. On the other hand, I learned that a feeling of love will establish itself automatically (for example, love for my children or love for my friends) once I stop demanding that I feel such love and stop obeying the moral injunctions imposed on me. But such a sensation can happen only when I feel free and remain open and receptive to all my feelings, including the negative ones.”
The author shared her personal difficult experience as a child. She became a victim of societal imposed moral values or religious values, which do more harm than good, in suppressing the genuine feelings and emotions.
In face with negative feeling yet forcing oneself to feel good or ok, in the name of positive thinking or morality or religion is a commonly used strategy. This strategy is the one that creates havoc to the life of the concerned parties.
“Genuine feelings are never the product of conscious effort. They are quite simply there …”
In EP coaching, we help the clients to honor their genuine feelings, no matter how negative, like anger, hatred, fear, insecurity, guilt, anxiety …Through full acceptance and non-resistance to these feelings, energies transformation can take place.
For the purpose of order, stability and better business performance, organizations also impose a lot of rules, regulations, standards and policies to be complied with.
Organization is also not a place for people to express their feelings and emotions. It is a taboo subject. Only rational thinking and behaviors are accepted.
Staff, with their own past negative conditioning, is further stressed in the organizational environment. How could they exercise creativity and quality human attributes, leadership towards better performance?
Not until individuals and organizations realize the importance of energy balancing in thought, emotions and behaviors, can potentials be unleashed for betterment of individual performance and business results.
Today some organizations do conduct training on EQ – emotional intelligence. Unfortunately it is carried out as another intellectual exercise, not at all emotionally engaging with individuals. As a result they are caught in the vicious circle of more training, higher medical bills with frustrating individual and business performance.
Andrew – EP coach
(Part 3) This is a series of EP articles based on some extracts from the book “The Body Never Lies” by Alice Miller, a world renowned psychologist.
Introduction - Morality and the Body
- “A mother who is forced to realize that the deprivations imposed on her in her youth make it impossible for her to love a child of her own, however hard she may try, can certainly expect to be accused of immorality if she has the courage to put that truth into words. But I believe that it is precisely this explicit acceptance of her true feelings, independent of the claims of morality, that will enable her to give both herself and her children the honest and sincere kind of support they need most, and at the same time will allow her to free herself from the shackles of self-deception.”
I have several EP coaching cases whereby the clients (mothers) feel so guilty and remorseful as they cannot control their anger, rage, fear .. and punish their children physically and with hurtful scolding. They cry and they feel regretful about their un-controlled action and behavior. They truly love their children and most of the time they do show tender care and love. However it could just be that fraction of a second, they get overwhelmed by seemingly little mistakes made by their children, and behaved and reacted like another different persons – no longer the loving mothers they want to be, or try so hard to demonstrate.
It could well be an executive, supervisor, manager who could not control their negative emotions and lash out to their staff or subordinates or colleagues, creating chaos, terrors, confusions in the organization.
Majority, instead of unleashing their negative energies to other people, turn inwards and hurt themselves, resulting in sickness, addictions, workaholic, or simply live day by day like robots, termed ‘dead wood’ in the corporation, affecting performance and productivity.
Concerned organizations initiate a lot of intervention programs, like team-building, training on motivation, leadership and communication. Surely they are not addressing the fundamental issues.
It is the deprivation of being loved and cared in their early life, formative years, childhood, adulthood that creates storage of such negative energies, waiting to explode like volcanoes.
For some people, the memories of past negative experiences are deeply buried in the subconscious.
For others who know what happened before, dare not voice it out, as they may be judged unkindly by the society, especially if the persons who inflict such physical, mental and emotional pains are their parents. They will be forced by the societal and religious expectation to forgive and respect their parents.
EP Coaching help clients to recognize such negative emotions, not to deny or avoid the negative experience once suffered, and even face the aggressors (parents or others) to tell the truth, which cannot be uttered by the helpless child.
Thereby the negative energies get released, restored to a more balanced energy field to propel us to move forward more positively.
Andrew – EP coach.
(Part 4) This is a series of EP articles based on some extracts from the book “The Body Never Lies” by Alice Miller, a world renowned psychologist.
Introduction - Morality and the Body
[Corrupted Politicians, Aggressors and Ordinary people.]
- “When children are born, what they need most from their parents is love, by which I mean affection, attention, care, protection, kindness, and the willingness to communicate. If these needs are gratified, the bodies of these children will retain the good memory of such caring affection all their lives, and later, as adults, they will be able to pass on the same kind of love to their children. But if this is not the case, the children will be left with a lifelong yearning for the fulfillment of their initial (and vital) needs. In later life, this yearning will be directed at other people. In comparison, the more implacably children have been deprived of love and negated or maltreated in the name of “upbringing”, the more those children, on reaching adulthood, will look to their parents (or other people substituting for them) to supply all the things that those same parents failed to provide them when they were needed most. This is a normal response on the part of the body. It knows precisely what it needs, it cannot forget the deprivation. The deprivation or hole is there, waiting to be filled.”
- “The older we get, the more difficult it is to find other people who can give us the love our parents denied us. But the body’s expectation does not slacken with age – quite the contrary! They are merely directed at others,…..”
The writer, Alice Miller, goes on to describe how such explosive negative energies, due to childhood deprivation of love and care, create so much miseries and suffering in this world, by those who amass political power, and become aggressors, dictators, and corrupted politicians.
- “The sphere of politics is an excellent examples of the way in which the hunger for power and recognition is never stilled. It is insatiable; it can never be entirely satisfied. The more power these people have, the more they are spurred on to actions that, in a process of compulsory repetition, restore the initial feelings of impotence they were trying to escape. Hitler in his bunker, Stalin in his paranoid fears, Mao in the final rejection by his people, Napoleon in exile, Milosevic in prison, Saddam Hussein in his mortifying fall from power. What impelled these men to abuse the power they had achieved to such a pitch that it ultimately plunged them into impotence and powerlessness? I believe it was their bodies. The bodies sustained the knowledge of the impotence they felt in childhood; they stored such knowledge in their cells, and they set out to force their ‘owners’ to face up to that knowledge. But the reality of their childhood instilled such fear in the hearts of these dictators that they preferred to wipe out whole peoples, to exterminate millions of human beings, rather than confront the truth – their truth.”
In her research, Alice Miller documented the difficult childhood of these aggressors, dictators, … They suppressed their anger, hatred, insecurity, humiliation, .., experienced at their younger days, and leash out to millions of people in the form of torture, wars, concentration camps.
- “Ordinary people .. who though they too were subjected to poisonous pedagogy, did not feel the need to achieve limitless power to become dictators. In contrast to those power-crazed individuals, they did not direct the suppressed feeling of anger and indignation against others, but against themselves. They fell ill and developed a variety of symptoms, and many of them died at an early age.”
Majority of my clients for EP coaching belongs to this category. They channel these accumulated negative energies inwards, hurting themselves, say in the form of depression, insomnia, sickness. In the case of corporate members, they become withdrawn, unable to take up effective leadership, poor performance or simply live like dead woods.
Corrupted Politicians in Malaysia
In Malaysia we have plenty of corrupted politicians. Although they are not of the types of dictators, or aggressors like Hitler, Saddam Hussein, nevertheless they are like cancerous growth, with daily draining off country resources, money and assets, for their own benefits. Overtime, they bankrupt the country, causing financial hardship; inflicting more other related miseries and suffering to the people.
On the same token, these politicians were not born corrupted, nor were Hitler, Saddam Hussein born dictators and aggressors. They must have gone through difficult and un-balanced up-bringing, making them so insecure that, when they are in political power, they must find all means to take in as much ill gotten money. The deprivation of love of their childhood must be so huge that no amount of corrupted money they ‘rob’ from the country can satisfy their insatiable greed.
It is high time that we recognize, corruption is Not a moral issue, but Psychological.
When we see a mad person on a street, automatically, with sympathy, we get the authority to put these people in mental hospital for treatment. Likewise, when the whole society recognizes corruptions (especially on a massive scale) are serious psychological problems, we also automatically with sympathy and compassion, put these corrupted politicians in the mental hospital, for treatment, therapy, counseling and perhaps EP coaching.
Andrew – EP Coach.