This is another discussion based on hundreds of EP coaching cases, focusing on how different people perceive or define what they mean by “love”, “good relationship”.
Such perceptions or definition affect their relationship with people. Relationship can be lovers, couples, parent-child, employer-employee, business partners, etc.
There are nine different definition of love from nine different types of people.
Type  is a controlling and domineering personality. The meaning of his or her existence is through controlling or protecting the other partners, which can be out of good intention. Conflicts arise when the other party raises objections, partners having their own minds and way of doing things. He or she then concludes ‘love and trust’ are broken, in spite of all the good efforts on his or her part to render his or her service. Type  can become more aggressive or withdrawn.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “I am here to protect (control, take care of you, for your well being), if you obey me”. A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Selfless Act for the Well Being of others” (post in his or her Facebook), though the psychological driver is to control, to win.
Type  is sacrificing, generous and giving personality. The meaning of his or her existence is at the service of the other party, with expectation of gratitude, appreciation and approval making him or her feels worthy and loved. He or she often becomes dependent on the party being served. It is like single full scale investment in the other person, with full heart and soul，it is time to be rewarded. However, dependency also leads to being controlled and manipulated by the other party. When the other party cannot return the same amount of care and love, it is devastation of life.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “I give you my heart and soul, you must return the same or more”. A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Sacrificing for others”, though the psychological driver is seeking to be cared and approved.
Type  is expressive and creative personality. The meaning of his or her existence is living with a ‘beautiful image’ in his or her mind, usually artistic, romantic or abstract. Hence when the partner cannot ‘see and feel’ the same, he or she can be heart-broken.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “someone who can share my beautiful dream” (realistic or not, is not the issue). A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Beautiful”, though the psychological driver is living in imaginary world.
Type  is always an agreeable personality. The meaning of his or her existence is to merge and blend with whoever party, so much so that he or she can forget about his or her own existence. Initially the partner likes such agreeable character, but later resents him or her having no own identity, but only the partner’s shadow.
Type  personality also likes to use mainly logical mind, hence he or she can hide in the logic and rules (like engineers, accountants) and he or she does not need to make personal commitment.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “allow me to be agreeable with you, but do not force me to have my own stand, especially on feeling and emotional issues”. A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Harmony, No Conflict”, though the psychological driver is wanting to forget his or her own self.
Type  is free without constraints personality. The meaning of his or her existence is to explore, be involved in many activities, adventures, free like a bird. He or she takes life easy, always happy and optimistic. Often partner resents such behavior as having no discipline, non-committal.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “be free and enjoy life with me, not control, or impose rules on me”. A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Joy and Freedom”, though the psychological driver is hiding oneself in incessant activities and movement due to fear.
Type  has high ideals and is a perfectionist personality. The meaning of his or her existence is to have perfection and nothing less. As reality is never perfect, he or she has great difficulty to accept things as they are. He or she can become very demanding or depressed. The partner feels suffocating with such demand.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “live to my perfection standard, if not, you are less a true human being”. A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Ideal, dare to Dream”, though the psychological driver is anger for not experiencing perfection in reality.
Type  seeks knowledge and is an intellectual, analytical personality. The meaning of his or her existence is to observe life from a distance, not involved, but study and formulate his or her own theory on why such behaviors of people or happening around him or her.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “Let’s us talk, analyze and formulate theories. Do not touch on feelings and emotions, which are meant for less intelligent people”. A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Forever Learning, (Rational Learning)”, though the psychological driver is avoiding feelings.
Type  is a performer / achiever personality. The meaning of his or her existence is demonstration of ability to perform and achieve something tangible in life. He or she can be hardworking or workaholic, much to the annoyance of the partner.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “help me or appreciate me for my capability to perform and achieve, and I respect you if you also buckle up to perform and achieve something in life.” A more elegant expression type  is : “Love is Abundance waiting for you”, though the psychological driver is seeking to be recognized in earthly achievements.
Type  lives his or her life in accordance to a belief or ideology. The meaning of his or her existence is to be faithful or loyal to a set of principles like justice, represented by an admired model or person. Often Type  becomes very critical, cynical or rebellious when such ideology cannot be put in place.
He or she defines “love” or “good relationship” as “we must have a life purpose or ideology to pursue, as that will ensure ultimate happiness. I will remain loyal and faithful to you, when you align yourself with my belief and ideology, if not, I will complain like hell or move on with my own life path.” A more elegant type  expression is : “Love is Purposeful”, though the psychological driver is to hide behind an ideology due to core-fear.
People define ‘love’ in accordance to their own personalities. There is no absolute and perfect personality and as such there is no one ‘right’ definition of ‘love’. we are forever caught in debate, arguments, conflicts on "what is love?", with proliferation of definition of in books, movie, Facebook banners, conversation …
Within each of the above brief introduction to personalities, there are variations and complexity. Furthermore each of us possesses more than one personality. For example, a boss in the workplace can be type  controlling personality, but at home, with respect to his wife, he can be type  personality, agreeable and never gets angry with the wife.
At different stages of life, people change their definition of love. Understanding of love during courtship among lovers, is very different at later part of marriage or retirement.
Irrespective of what stages in life, fixation and habitual manifestation of personalities, un-consciously, often get us into trouble, difficulty and stress, not just in relationship, but also performance (work, business, investment, etc.) and health problems.
The drivers behind “love” or “good relationship” is more to ”fulfill their inner needs”. Such inner needs are often mistaken as our personalities, that get us into problems.
In EP coaching, we explore the inner needs, which often are seeking security, peace and completeness, in the names of love, which is a mere concept.
EP coaching aims to gain high consciousness of self, less be controlled by un-conscious behaviors and thus able to create more choices and move on with life.
Similarly in corporation, concepts of ‘leadership’ ‘teamwork’ ‘management’ ‘performance’ motivation’ etc. etc are also being defined, understood, interpreted, demonstrated, manifested by different people in different ways, largely colored by their own personalities, often result in conflicts.
When there is better understanding of the personalities and psychology, individually and collectively, there is better chance for organization to realize its intended vision.
This EP coach and trainer teaches corporations on the use of EP coaching and group facilitation to surface the underlying drivers of personalities.
Andrew – EP Coach